Burn Blizzard to the Ground #HANZOGATE
Fire the entire staff at Blizzard. I’m mad as all hell.
The electronic gaming giant this month released their “Winter Wonderland” event for Overwatch, a game I used to enjoy until Blizzard decided to whip out their frozen phallus and piss all over the storied and legendary history of the franchise.
You may be asking, “I know Blizzard employs an army of illiterate Neanderthals who have not once even perused the breathtaking Overwatch canon and therefore wouldn’t know its history if it, like the ferocious Doomfist, punched their faces until the pulpy remains resembled sweet delicious cranberry sauce, but what could they have possibly done?”
Well, friends, prepare yourself.
They totally, like, messed up Hanzo’s haircut.
THE LORE CLEARLY SPELLS OUT THAT HIS BEARD IS BLACK AND WHAT IS UP WITH HIS MACKLEMORE SHAVE JOB? YOU’RE PLAYING WITH LIVE AMMO, MY FRIENDS.
#HANZOGATE #TRENDING
On the left is historic and world-renowned archer, Hanzo Shimada. To the right is an ungodly abomination born out of sheer spite from the ignoramus minds at Blizzard
As DOT ESPORTS reporter Nicole Carpenter, a clearly staunch and steadfast champion of Overwatch canon, points out in this article, the new casual Hanzo skin is “bad” and “pretty disappointing.”
UNDERSTATEMENT MUCH, NICOLE??
“We wanted to like this skin. We really did. But instead of the incredibly good looking Reflections skin, we got a Hanzo with weird proportions and even worse hair,” Carpenter wrote.
Blizzard did such a bad job that Carpenter ranked Hanzo's new skin as seventh on her list of winter skins. SEVENTH OUT OF SEVEN. Is there any coming back from this? No. No there is not.
Did you also notice his nose piercing is too big? I FUCKING DID.
Luckily, Twitterer @loudwindow fixed this atrocity. But is it enough to quell my anger? Will it cure the hellish nightmare-scape that is now my existence?
No. No it will not.
Computer, enhance.
#HANZOGATE #TWITTERSTORY #WOW
Blizzard has announced a fix, so reporter Scott Duwe tells us to “rest easy.”
I for one am glad SCOTT FUCKING DUWE CAN JUST SLEEP LIKE A FUCKING BABY THROUGH THE ESPORTS EQUIVALENT OF THE GODDAMN BOMBING OF DRESDEN. I can't shut my eyes during this spiteful and reckless historical whitewashing.
I’m calling for scorched Earth at Blizzard. Fire everyone. This is the only solution.
I would like to thank the newsroom heroism displayed by the staff at DOT ESPORTS for bringing this #HANZOGATE story to light. Not since Woodward and Bernstein have we seen such a ceaseless pursuit of truth and change.
