When the Twins Don’t Win the World Series This Year, I Will Burn Down My Home
In what can only be described as a sadistic assault on my spirit, the lowly Minnesota Twins have had a fantastic offseason, bolstering their lineup in every way by adding talented pitching and putting more pop into their bats. They really want to win the World Series, and when they don’t, I will raze the only home I’ve ever known.
I’ve been a Twins fan since 2008, and since then, the Twins have made the playoffs twice. Both times, they were swept by the goddamn, shitty fucking Yankees. Last season, a scrappy Twins squad defied the critics and made it into the win-or-go-home Wild Card game. They lost. To the Yankees.
When the Twins choke to the Yankees again in this year’s playoffs, I will soak my carpet in gasoline, nestle myself in the grease, and light a single match.
This offseason, the Twins picked up former-Tampa Bay hurler Jake Odorizzi. Odorizzi has a career 3.83 ERA across six seasons in the MLB. He strikes eight people out per 9 innings. These career stats surpass those of the team’s number one starter last year, Ervin Santana, who was very good until he blew a three-run lead in the first inning of last year’s Wild Card game. The Yankees went on to win that game. The won it against the goddamn Twins.
The Twins are going to kick the bucket again in the playoffs this year and, when they do, I’m going to take a blowtorch to every piece of material garbage I’ve ever amassed with sincere hopes that the walls around me tumble inward and finally bring me peace.
The Twins also picked up Logan Morrison, another former Ray, who had 38 home runs last year. His OPS+ (a combination of his slugging and on-base percentage) was 135 last year, 35 above league average, which would have been the best among Twins hitters last year.
Morrison is a .387 lifetime hitter at Target Field, his new home field.
I’m going to be a 1.000 hitter at my home field this year when I smash it with a Molotov cocktail after the Twins fall asleep in the goddamn playoffs again.
The Twins this offseason also picked up Lance Lynn, a former Cardinal pitcher, who had a 3.43 ERA last year in 33 starts. He’s won at least 15 games each year from 2012-2014. He’s another pillar in what’s become a solid pitching rotation.
Add that on top of a bevy of young hitters - Byron Buxton, Eddie Rosario, Max Kepler - who’ve now proven their power in the Bigs, hitting a combined 62 homers and 79 doubles last year. Buxton was a filthy thief last year - stealing 29 bases and only getting caught once.
I, too, will hone my pilfering skills once I'm forced into a roving life of thievery after I’ve burned my only home to the ground because the Twins lost in the goddamn playoffs again.
The Twins starting shortstop Jorge Polanco was recently suspended for steroid use. He's out for the season's first 80 games and is now ineligible for the playoffs. I will likely be ineligible for parole once I plead guilty to arson for purifying my homestead with flame after the Twins forget how to play baseball in the fucking playoffs this year.
Erik Burgess is an avid Twins fan and beat writer, reporting from under a bridge where he now sleeps and eats.
