What the Hell Happens in George of the Jungle 2
This is not timely. I did not write this as a retrospective because of some anniversary or milestone. This is also not what journalists would call an “evergreen” story. In fact, it’s more of an evergreen roots story, in that it should have stayed in the ground, where it belongs.
There is no reason for me to be writing this, other than I recently watched George of the Jungle 2 (2003), and I don’t know what the hell happened.
Before we get started, let’s get three things straight:
I haven’t seen the first George of the Jungle (1997) in at least two decades. I have almost no memory of what takes place, other than when Thomas Haden Church trips and falls face-first into a massive pile of animal shit, and boy that’s just good slapstick.
Brendan Fraser is not in George of the Jungle 2.
I had just consumed an extraordinary amount of edibles.
The film — I use this term liberally — opens with what felt like a 35-minute animated intro with no dialogue. I think it was providing an important backstory, but I was too terrified that it would never end, so I hid behind a couch cushion.
Next, we see George enjoying his life with Ursula, the wealthy heiress with whom he fell in love in the first movie, and their son. Does their son have a name? Probably. I don’t remember. Let’s say it’s George Jr. because the writers probably didn’t try harder. I did NOT confirm this. Also, the movie isn’t animated anymore, thank Christ.
George is now King of the Jungle and must tend to the needs of his animal kingdom at all hours. This responsibility strains his home life. (It’s unclear if Ursula or his son resent him for this. That would have at least been a recognizable conflict around which to center a movie, but I digress.) That’s the undernourished soil upon which they place this movie.
The following is a list of happenings I remember. Let’s see if any of this helps us piece together an actual movie.
The characters wantonly break the fourth wall, and every time it’s upsetting.
They more than once joke about Brendan Fraser not being in the movie. Because they address him by name, we now must assume the actor Brendan James Fraser exists in this universe, and that he was once also George of the Jungle. It’s now wholly possible that New George killed Mr. Fraser a la The Santa Clause, and is openly mocking him for not being in this movie.
George speaks like a caveman, defying all logic. George was raised by an ape named Ape. (I checked twice. This is canon.) Ape, Ursula, and George Jr. all speak perfect English. There is no reason for George to talk like an ice-aged dunce. This supposes two universes: George chooses to speak in broken phrases, or he has suffered severe brain damage and NO ONE addresses it. Either scenario is concerning.
George wears a loincloth to cover his junk. (This is technically a problem I have with all tales of this sort.) There is zero reason for George to wear clothes. None of the apes do. This means his gorilla society independently came to the conclusion that his human meat and two bits were offensive and must be hidden, all the while ape dick is bouncing wild and free. (Note: There is no swinging ape dong in this film, but now we’re all thinking about it.)
While we’re on genitals, George mentions that during puberty he was given issues of “Play-Ape” magazine. It is now canon that George has AT THE VERY LEAST perused simian pornography.
All animals, across species, can talk to each other, except elephants. Elephants act like pet dogs. In this universe, there is one animal language and elephants cannot speak it.
I think there’s a kangaroo.
We’re all on the same page.
The main conflicts of the movie — I THINK — are Ursula’s ex-fiancé Lyle wants to a) win Ursula back, and b) obtain the deed to George’s home, so that he can build a casino on it or something. I don’t remember.
It’s now important you know George’s home is a mountain named Ape Mountain.
Like the busted suitcase of a man living in the local Aloha Inn and recently separated from his wife, let’s unpack this sad mess.
Prior to the movie even beginning, Ape named an entire fucking mountain after himself, headed over to the Bukavu region register of deed’s office — a place that now canonically exists — filed paperwork, had it notarized, and obtained a document of ownership for an entire mountain. This has to have occurred or the movie cosmically collapses into itself.
In the film, Lyle (in a role reprised by what could have only been a desperate Thomas Haden Church) steals the deed by fooling Ape in a game of craps or something. Again, I don’t remember, and you won't check me. Thomas Haden Church now legally owns a whole-ass mountain in Central Africa. He then sends a construction crew to raze it. In the meantime, George has lost both his wife and his groove, and a CGI lion is now King of the Jungle. George seemed to despise the duties of jungle royalty, so the audience is left wondering why any of this matters.
Furthermore, Lyle hypnotizes Ursula so that she will fall back in love with him. Our only female protagonist has been roofied. Ten-year-old George Jr. is not hypnotized, but instead of blowing the whistle, he just lets this entire movie happen.
Let’s recap:
George has irreparable head trauma.
Animals all speak one language, except for elephants. Elephants are dogs.
There is a county register’s office in at least one jungle in Central Africa.
Brendan Fraser is dead.
The movie ends when George kisses Ursula, and the wet lips of her concussed husband cure her hypnosis. George then kisses all of Ursula’s girlfriends. (They were also hypnotized, I think? It’s also possible they just wanted a big ol’ smooch from Not Brendan Fraser.)
That’s George of the Jungle 2. Was it as good as the first one? I don’t remember.
What I have learned is this: The magic of this film isn’t in the remembering. It’s in the head trauma we shared along the way. Thanks for reading.
