Her?

I can't stop thinking about Ambre.

The second season of VH1's Rock of Love (2008), featuring Poison frontman Bret Michaels, ends with a bombshell. Unfortunately, that bombshell’s name was Ambre. Bret, looking for love (for the second time), chooses the all around milquetoast option over blonde babe Daisy.

Science can’t explain this.

In a head-to-head analysis using my proprietary Bret Michaels Talk “Flirty” to Me Scale of Rock of Love, Ambre loses to Daisy in every category.

Large, fake breasts? Daisy

Platinum blonde? Daisy

Too young for Bret? Daisy

Intangible "rockstar" lifestyle that Bret refuses to define but is extremely important to him? Daisy

Perhaps worst of all, Ambre was caught lying to Bret’s bandanna-crowned face. She gave a false, younger age. (She was clearly trying to swing the Bret Michaels Talk “Flirty” to Me Scale of Rock of Love in her favor.) When caught, she apologized the only way a conniving deceiver could - "If I said that, I apologize."

YOU DID SAY IT. IT’S ON TAPE. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE THE ROCK OF LOVE.

Bret seemed hurt by the lie, but ultimately it didn’t affect Ambre’s chances. It was with Bret’s forgiveness that the path of victory for Ambre was forged, but savvy viewers began to see the veneer crack.

The second half of the season, Daisy is haunted by the fact that she still lives with her ex-boyfriend. Daisy and the ex both deny having a physical relationship, and they seem genuine. Daisy goes as far to explain that her ex doesn’t have much money, so she let him live with her as a gesture of kindness.

But unlike with Ambre’s bald-faced lie, Bret can’t let this go. Why? Bret brings several women from Season 1 back into Season 2. He openly admits his love for them and shares kisses and hugs. (As an aside, Bret Michaels is visibly monstrous at kissing.) Why would Bret, who ad nauseum brings up his “rock n roll lifestyle” involves an endless sea of soaked women, give a solitary shit that Daisy lives with an ex? 

That’s right, dear reader. He doesn’t give a shit. The producers, however? They smell that crispy cash, them decadent dead Presidents. Why not fabricate drama? Why not make Daisy break down every fucking episode? 

The data is clear. The producers forced Bret's leathery hands. Ambre was almost kicked off in the first episode. She was only spared elimination when another woman admitted she couldn't handle Bret's hard rock lifestyle. (Dear reader, who among us could?) So naturally Ambre is a producer’s dream. Some might say her rags-to-riches ascendancy is The American Dream. (I wouldn’t.) 

Meanwhile, the producers make poor Daisy bawl her eyes out every night. Ruin her life but then! Then, give her a show. It’ll be a hit! Oh boy, a delicatessen of dollars. Those flaky, biscuity buckeroos. 

In a reasonable universe, Bret chooses Daisy 99 times out of 100. So why then did our kind-of aged, natural-breasted, brunette-ish Ambre win the day?

Easy. It’s not a reasonable universe. It’s Rock of Love. And we can’t handle it.