8 Reasons Why Avengers: Infinity War is Not Paddington 2

The latest in a long string of Marvel movies opened this weekend, and dear reader, it’s critical that it be pointed out - Avengers: Infinity War is NOT a Paddington sequel. Here are some critical distinctions between the new Avengers film, and Paddington (a cinematic treasure).

1. Before watching Avengers: Infinity War, you have to watch, like, 16 other movies to get caught up, and they’re not numbered.

Question for the layman: Can you name the Marvel movie that immediately precedes Avengers: Infinity War? Follow-up: Does it matter?

Paddington 2 is a sequel. You watch it second. You can tell because there is a “2” in the title. The word “sequel” comes from the Latin “sequela,” meaning “to follow” or “comes the fuck after.” 

2. You have to sit through the final credits to see the whole movie.

Paddington 2 truly revolutionized cinema when it introduced the bizarre concept that the entire movie can be contained within the opening and closing credits. One does not even have to sit through the endless scroll of credits to finish the movie! Next level.

3. It’s bad.

Avengers: Infinity War, which opened on Friday, has a Rotten Tomatoes score of 84 percent with 226 reviews. Paddington 2, which is a year old, has a 100 percent ranking on Rotten Tomatoes out of 194 reviews. Paddington, the original, has a 98 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. I would tell you the score of the preceding Marvel movie, but I don’t know what movie that is because they aren’t clearly labeled.

4. There’s no Hugh Grant.

How is a man supposed to enjoy a trip to the cinema without the promise of a heartwarming British chuckle? The short answer is, you don’t. The long answer is, you fucking don’t.

5. Peter Quill doesn’t eat marmalade.

We were promised that the Guardians of the Galaxy would bring much-needed comedic relief to an otherwise doom-and-gloom Infinity War. Well, how is Star-Lord supposed to get his snout comically stuck in a jar of sweet jelly if there isn’t a jar in the first place? SPOILER ALERT: He doesn’t, and we’re all worse off for it.

5. There’s no bear.

Where is the bear in Infinity War? I didn’t see one.

6. Thor doesn’t wear a cute, red rain-cap.

Riddle me this, Mr. Hemsworth: How are you supposed to keep your beautiful blonde locks clear and dry without a cute fucking hat? Embarrassing.

7. Severe lack of comedic hijinks.

In a last-minute editing blunder, the directors of Avengers: Infinity War cut a scene that featured Thanos accidentally flooding his bathroom and then, when the doors burst open, sailing down the stairwell in a claw-footed bathtub. Now some of you might be saying: Erik, that’s a scene from Paddington 1, not Paddington 2. Congratulations - you were able to discern the chronological events of the franchise because of a clear naming convention and also because humans associate numbers with proper sequence.

8. Too many characters.

Who are all these people? What are their names, I don’t know.

Who’s the main character of Paddington 2? Paddington. Whose narrative arc are we following throughout the entirety of Paddington 2? Paddington. Who’s likely to learn a valuable life lesson all the while encountering some scares, laughs, and love along the way? Fucking Paddington.

Dear reader, please remember if you see Avengers: Infinity War during its sure-to-be unbearably long theatrical run that it is NOT a part of the Paddington franchise. I cannot emphasize enough how the latest Marvel flick is in no way related to Paddington.

Thank you.